Changes

I knew I would have this feeling. As much as I love being alone, there must be times when i feel lonely. Alone and lonely are indeed two different things.

I was just walking slowly in a foggy morning to the "childbirth preparation 101" Class. I told FF I would be sad, as sad as I was when I did not have anyone besides me to share the joy of watching my baby over the ultrasound and to share the sweet surprise that I am going to have a baby girl. My loneliness was terrible.

I was the only person without partner in the class, as predicted. As we practiced breathing and labor positions with partners, I was all alone. Well, with her, my baby of course. Whenever I feel lonely when things get rough here without anyone to share with, I'd always tell her: it's only two of us, baby...

The sun was still shining when the class was over. It was only 3.40pm and autumn has not really started. It was chilly but the sun was there. So I decided to take a walk instead of taking a bus. I wanted to enjoy my acute loneliness. Just like one of my abangs once said when I felt cold in a mountain: don't curse the cold temperature, don't fight against it, you'd feel colder, enjoy it and be friend with it. Ever since then, that is how I deal with pain, any pain.

I was walking alone with my big belly (it's getting bigger now) and I saw those college students getting ready for the last game of the huskies, UW football team (american football, not "soccer", remember americans are weird :-)). With the purple t-shirts, crazy face paintings, ready for partying. They might look at me and think that being a pregnant woman is so not cool, or not. I don't know. But that's definitely what I thought when I was their age; 15 years ago it was.

Things change. Even one year ago I still would have parties and would go to some bars nearby. Or at least enjoy a couple of bottles of wine or beer at home with friends. When I studied in England, I had parties almost every night, "baby banana" at the club every sunday night and the whole class of constitutional law and politics would have hangover on Monday :-). Travelling almost all over England, Scotland, and Wales. Went to Ireland, Greece, and Italy. My life in England was great and mostly because I was alone and hang out with people who fit me very well.

Being alone is always nice to me, I think I have been 'alone' most of my life, in a sense that I take care of mysel and am not dependant on someone else. But feeling lonely is sometimes not that fun; like now. This past week I feel that I am missing all those things I used to do without burden. Now I am even struggling with my writers' block only because suddenly I have to change my working habit due to the pregnancy. No more 3 days working without sleep, no more cigarettes in between, no more alcohol and coffee in between. Clean. Just clean. FF says it's healthy. Yes, but I can't function properly and the time is getting closer until my planned general exam: I might miss the deadline!

Yes, I am stressed. Adding to the loneliness, I am stressed. I am now taking prenatal yoga classes as well to deal with my stress about the study while pregnant. I guess I am putting too much on my shoulder. I want to balance everything on my plate: my ideas about Indonesia in op-eds, my pregnancy, my dissertation, wanting to be better than everyone else, my family; and all those things added to me being alone without my partner here.

But soon everything will change even more drastically, there will be my baby and suddenly I might not feel alone in the rest of my life. Will I miss being alone and lonely again?

Things just came to my mind as I was walking in the sunny but cold Seattle. And I saw Mount Rainier in the South. And I was just thinking about my cup of decaf coffee with warm milk and short bread and a little music for my baby at home. Hoping that I can cope with all these.