Reputasi

Some days ago I went out with Treespotter for some drinks (indeed it was ;)). We had not met for quite long. It was nice to meet him again. We talked a lot, curhat, catching up. One thing that just came up to my mind again just now is the thing he told me about ‘reputasi’. He said, Bip, elo harus lebih hati-hati dalam bergaul, people do know you now because of your thoughts and comments on media, they respect you, so you better be careful with your reputation. I was smiling, proud a little bit, scared a little bit, and now I want to question it.



I knew from a long time about this. This is not about having two different lives. No, not like that. It is just that some people don’t need to know the other part of my life. I never hide anything – I maybe don’t tell things to some people, but I don’t lie. Some people do know, for example, that I drink, I smoke, I go clubbing. But some people do not know that simply because I don’t tell them. They just don’t need to know. It’s not important for them. It’s not important for the world.



But I also don’t tell people because I realize that some people might judge other people by looking at things people do. I am considered as an activist (well I actually don’t like to be called an activist because I don’t think I fall under my own category of activists, I am not as brave as them, let me just cal my self someone who is empowered and passionate about making things better). I talk about reform, I talk about marginalized people, I’m persistent about ethical conduct of public officials, etc. And I am trying to be consistent with what I say. And I have some standards of my own for that. But I know that some people don’t have the same standards. I know that some people might undermine my words when they know that I do things that, according to their standards, are not things that I’m supposed to do. Isn’t that weird? No, maybe it’s NOT weird. Maybe it’s just how the human’s world is. Dunia manusia. Seperti juga agama-agama manusia. Human have values, different ones. One’s values cannot be the same as another one’s values, no matter who s/he is. Values are built from one’s experiences. And life is just different for everyone. That is why if one wants to be tough and independent, s/he just doesn’t have to care about other people’s values so much. I mean, of course there are also “norms”, some “vaguely (I must say) universally accepted standards”. Some then labelled as “norma kesopanan”, “kesusilaan”, ethics, even stronger: some are laws, positivised (is that such word?? ?). But I mean, there are just huge differences, actually, on one’s values to another’s. If you care too much about what people would think about you, then you will not have life of your own, you are controlled by the society too much. You will not be brave enough to be yourself. True, the line is so thin between brave enough to be yourself and stupid enough to break the norms. But that’s what being human is all about, to make decisions, to value which one is right and which one is wrong, according to the society’s norms. That’s what makes us social being.



So, why the hell that I suddenly thought about reputation? Maybe because sometimes I feel funny that some people think very highly of me because they want me to be like that, whereas I am only an ordinary humanbeing. I feel funny myself that I think that some people may disrespect me only because I do things that they don’t expect from an ‘activist’ woman like me. Harus jaim. Hahaha. Lucu kan. If the cost for being respected is not to do things you like, I better be not respected. I just want to be me, I want to be brave enough to be me.



To be honest, maybe I think about reputation because sometimes I question my behaviour. And lately I think a lot about it; about abang, about alcohol, my past life, my ex-fling mates, my lifestyle. Also, I question my values a lot lately.



OR the highest honesty is: maybe I am trying to justify things I did lately.